Obituary of Thomas C. Collins

Dear God, Okay, you win. You finally got him. You finally got to call Tom Collins home. I know it wasn't easy, considering (1) how so many of us down here wanted to keep him around and (2) how good he was at kicking cancer in the nuts. But, since all good things must eventually come to an end, far be it from us to begrudge You some much-deserved Tommy time. Now that You're lucky enough to have him in Your Kingdom, I'm sure You have a plan for him. But if you'll indulge us for just a bit, we thought You might like a few pointers on how to make the most of Your eternity with him. 1. Pick his brain about being a husband, a father, a brother, a friend. He was the absolute best at being each and every one of them. Hit him up for some pointers, and then figure out a way to bake it into every new soul You create moving forward. Mind You, we're not trying to tell You how to do Your job. We just think You'd be hard-pressed to top whatever secret sauce You put into Tom way back when. Trust us: The world will be a better place for it. 2. Put his creative talents to work for You. It seems like the world could use a little more "You-liness" these days, so why not enlist his help on a new brand campaign for You? His concept and design skills were second to none. Remember, this is the guy who came up with Hunger Bear for The Food Bank, so the mind boggles to think of what he could come up with for The Almighty. One final thought: While we realize You have the final say when it comes to Judgment Day, just remember to trust hisjudgment when it comes to Your logo. Ask him to make it bigger and you're going to get an earful of TC's favorite line: "How can I soar like an eagle if I'm surrounded by turkeys?" 3. Enlist his fashion sense. Your whole flowing robes and sandals thing is so 2000 B.C. Just imagine how much more stylin' You could look after TC hooked you up with a tight pair of jeans and a quick run to DSW. 4. Always sit to his left. Any time You two are kicking back with a bourbon and a stogie, watching us from Paradise, do Yourself a favor and sit by his good ear. I mean, You're God, for You's Sake. You deserve better than just having him smile and nod at everything You say. One last thing, God. I'm sure You realize how difficult it is for us to let Tom go. So please forgive us for being selfish, and wanting…hoping…wishing he could still be here with us. Tom was one of the good ones. No, screw that. He was one of the best ones. Which means we owe You big-time for making him part of our lives for as long as we had him. So thanks, God, and get ready. You're in for a lot of laughs. Love, All of Us